i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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