I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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