I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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