TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
