I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
