good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
