Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Four minutes until I can fart!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
