Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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