My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
