Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
