i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
