Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
