dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.