He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
as a side note pls kill me