whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours