just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...