The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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