You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
