I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
