Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
