I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
