I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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