We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
