I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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