My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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