I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
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she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
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Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize