I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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