He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
