he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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