Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
