Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
