we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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