lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
