can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
