He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
