On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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