Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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