I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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