In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
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We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
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I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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