Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
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i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
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Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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