Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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