I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
