so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
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He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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