The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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