It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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