There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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