After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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