just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
