You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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