im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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