I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
