Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
