Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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