I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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