I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
