3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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