Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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