I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
