okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
