My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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