I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
