he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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