the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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